Something Strange

Oh bummer

2011-08-09T18:49:00.002+02:00

You know what annoys me? I made this blog so I could spam my thoughts and not having to care about who reads it for a change. This couldn't be more untrue. I know some of the people who read this, and it does change the way I look at this page, the way I write things down, and mostly what I write down.
When I feel shitty about stuff I can't talk about to someone, I have to write it down or I'll keep it with me and explode after a while. I have been pondering starting a new blog, with a new email address, but Gmail wouldn't let me make the account I wanted. By the time I got fed up trying, my frustrations had gone. Is that the way I have to be dealing with my shit? Struggling with Google for about 30 minutes a day?
Hell, that's not what I want! But neither do I want to start a new blog, for what's the use to write stuff when no one reads it?!
And I wish my best friend would stop making me feel worse instead of better! Damn him!
I'm too tired to think, let alone write, and it's getting worse.
The thing that is bothering me, I won't write down. Because my boyfriend will start a fuss again, as he always does.
In reaction to that, I will do something he will hate me for and feel sorry about that after for a while. Which will make me feel bad, I will want to write stuff down (hopefully in a more awake state so it will make some sense), and he will read it and it starts over again!
During all this, I'm trying to buy a new bed, sell the old one and try to sell my mopet. Also, I nearly have my first job as a nurse, am still a shopaholic and am turning 21 this year.
So there is some good stuff happening right now. I just hope someone buys the fucking mopet...
Man, how I want to sleep right now....

Happy thoughts

2011-05-30T18:47:00.003+02:00

So I'm reading my own blog out of boredness, and what do I see? I only seem to write stuff down when I'm feeling shitty. So today, I am feeling great, I will write something happy!
Not too sure what yet, but to start with my song, Boys on the Docks by the Dropkick Murphys. Just nice. Not too sure what they sing since he's shout-mumbling half the time, but it makes me happy ^^

So I have the day off today, happy! Have been working at my internship for the past 4 days and had quite had it with them people! However am looking forward to working again tomorrow, so no worries!

Hey, the Adams Family? Lol, completely forgot I had the tune in my playlist!
So I will be done with school at the end of June. Will have my degree then! So will have to start looking for a job maybe? Though I have work till September, could use some more in August.

Next week, the 5th if I calculated alright, I'll be 1,5 yrs together with my boyfriend and a colleague is gonna bake a cake! How awesome is that? Even better, the 6th we'll be going on a short vacation! (me and the BF, not the colleague...)
5 days just us in a cottage, yay =)

So yeah, I don't really think I could be a lot happier at the moment. We-eel, I can probably think of a thousand things that would make me a lot happier, but I won't. Hah!

Good day to you!

Pondering

2011-04-22T12:05:00.005+02:00

There is so much going on at the moment. I'm nearly done with school, soon it's graduation time. This scares me more than anything, because I have nothing to live on to, nothing planned for when I'm done. It's just a big blank, filled in with "I'll see where it goes from here..." You have no idea how scary that is.

Then there's this other something, the something I can't talk about to anyone. Something I can't even write down here, in case someone reads it. Not why I started this blog. Why I started it, was to be able to spam my thoughts and not bother with anyone reading them. Now I can't. I can't not bother. Ever.

These days, I'm always watching my mouth, be careful who to talk to about what. Not being able being me at the full. Not in company. And when I'm alone, I break down. I don't know for how long I can keep up the show. How much longer can I pretend? Pretend all is fine? When it's not... When I'm feeling things I don't want to feel, things I can't live up to. Feelings I have to ignore somehow. That I can't.

Searching for acceptance, aren't we all? I know I am. Looking for a someone who accepts me whoever I am, with all my imperfections and insecurities. Have I found this person? Not so far. Will I ever? I come to doubt it. Must I continue this struggle? Keep hoping for things to get better? To be the 'perfect' I long for so hardly? I am coming to realize that this something I want does not exist. So should I continue alone? Again...

I know I'm not the best in taking decisions , especially ones like this. What to do? Continue this struggle? My own fight for freedom? Should I be fighting for freedom? All this shit is causing concentration problems, I can't focus on my schoolwork. Have a lot to do still. Today for example, haven't done anything useful. Have a deadline by 3. Small chance I'll make it. Instead I'm writing here. Got to tell someone about my doubts, no clue who I'm telling now, but it has to get out. One way or another. Better to write it down than spilling it to the one person I can't seem to talk to. Being the one person I should be able to talk to. About anything and everything. The one person that seems to understand me least. You have no idea how much it hurts to come closer and closer to realizing I can't go on like this. But not being able to explain why. Nor even being sure I want to do this. Although I've been getting closer and closer to telling. I just don't know how, can't even explain my feelings to myself.

How to tell someone you love them to bits, but don't believe it's going to last more than a year from now? How to explain why, when you can't even tell yourself what's causing the doubt?

I wish there was someone to tell me what to do, who to talk to, where to go... All I can do is cry lately. About anything and everything. Cry about every aspect of my life. And can't seem to do anything about it at the moment.

2011-02-08T23:50:00.003+01:00

On a Daft Punk marathon. Trying to think. Not working. I need to fix this, but I've been failing since it started. I do love this Peaches remix of Technologic though..
My head is killing me. I keep thinking I'm the one causing all this shit, but how can I? But it's not important how it's started, I have to figure out how to fix it. Can I just get inside your head for a day? Just to figure it out? I think that would help.
Did I break you? Do I have to fix you? And what if I can't? Does that mean the end of us? Is it so much to ask to just be happy..? 'Cause that's all I want really. Just have my happy ending. Isn't that what we all want? Deep inside? Just not to die alone.
I honestly have no idea what my problem is, I just know I don't like the way I'm feeling right now. Wish I could turn my volume up a bit, could use my brains being blown out by my music... I can't because my parents are asleep. Well, damn!

Rubbish.

2010-05-05T22:26:00.002+02:00

"Die zou ik doen" is een zin die ik niet uit mijn hoofd kan krijgen. De betekenis van deze zin is veranderd in de afgelopen maand. Zoals er een hoop dingen zijn veranderd de afgelopen maanden. Veel positieve dingen zou ik zeggen. Maar ook maak ik me veel meer zorgen dan ervoor. Over de meest alledaagse dingen. Kleine dingen. Bepaalde zinnen. Het maakt eigenlijk niet uit. Het gevoel dat ik erbij krijg is niet positief. Het maakt me gek en paranoïde. Ik zou willen dat ik dit alles zou kunnen negeren en gewoon blij zou kunnen zijn met de positieve dingen. Ik krijg de rillingen bij bepaalde uitspraken, gedachten en het lezen van sommige namen. Ik word zenuwachtig bij het zien van een willekeurige foto en de blik in zijn ogen. Waarom is het zo moeilijk om gewoon te accepteren wat ik niet kan veranderen. Me erbij neerleggen dat sommige dingen niet anders zijn, ook al kan ik niet begrijpen waarom ze zo zijn. Waarom krijg ik zin om iets te slaan, iemand pijn te doen, bij het horen van een bepaalde naam? En waarom is het zo ongelofelijk makkelijk om mezelf pijn te doen, omdat ik anderen geen pijn wil doen. Omdat ik nog steeds het idee heb dat alles wat er gebeurt dat mij pijn doet mijn eigen schuld moet zijn. Naar mijn idee had ik altijd iemand om tegen te praten over dingen die me dwarszaten. Iemand die naar mij luisterde en dan stomme opmerkingen maakte over datgene ik vertelde, maar er wel altijd voor me was. Een vriend. Waar is deze persoon gebleven? En is dit dan ook mijn eigen schuld? Ik beschuldig er anderen van dat zij vriendschappen niet onderhouden, maar ben ik zelf niet net zo slecht bezig? Doe ik ooit wel eens iets anders dan mopperen over wat anderen allemaal fout doen, terwijl ik eigenlijk mezelf gewoon de schuld geef. "Waarom" is een woord dat ik veel te vaak gebruik. Maar vragen waarom is zo makkelijk. En ik mopper teveel. Misschien is het veiliger om boos te reageren op dingen dan ermee om proberen te gaan. Of erover na te denken. Ik wil zoveel maar ik doe zo weinig. En is dat niet altijd zo geweest? Ik heb altijd veel gewild, maar voor mijn gevoel ben ik geen stap verder dan jaren geleden. Ik ben nogsteeds onzeker. Nogsteeds dik, klein en vervelend. Ik zeg wel dat ik vrienden heb, maar hoevaak zie ik ze ook daadwerkelijk? Ik kan wel excuses verzinnen waarom ik bepaalde mensen niet meer zie, of niet vaak meer spreek. Maar uiteindelijk ligt de schuld bij mij zelf. Ik bel niet meer of ik langs kan komen, of om gewoon te kletsen. Wat is de stabiele factor in mijn leven? Zouden anderen hier ook last van hebben? Stel ik me aan? Dit heeft ook allemaal geen zin. Ik ga naar bed.

2010-04-28T00:36:00.000+02:00

Ik ben zo'n godsgruwelijke hypocriet en ik weet geneens waarom.

2010-04-19T22:07:00.003+02:00

I really am one crazy ass jealous bitch. I seriously take a look at one picture I don't like and I'm flaming up like crazy and just wanna hit the poor girl in the face. Why is it that I can't stand this? I think it's just fear to be left, to be alone again. And how I would hate to be alone again.
I can't even describe the anger that's taking control of me, but I'm mostly angry with myself. For being this jealous and possessive about him kills me.

Blah. Time for bed.

World of Warcraft

2010-03-17T00:03:00.002+01:00

I have been playing World of Warcraft for a total of 4 years, which is a rather long period of time. A few days ago I realized I hardly played anymore, and thought it not worth the money anymore. This is the second time I canceled my subscription. And it wasn't any easier. Getting kicked from my guild doesn't help either. I know I was a worthless officer anyway, but I feel kinda backstabbed. There have been lots of others taking a break from the game during my time, but I haven't seem 'em getting kicked for it. No one even bothered asking me if I wanted to resign as an officer, nor notified me I would be demoted in any way. I don't think I'll be getting back to this server when I start playing again. Even though I have met a lot of really awesome people and even found some friends here, who I really hate leaving behind in any way. I just think that my time on this server, in this particular guild has broken more than given me. Even just thinking about some of the shit I've gone through makes me so sad and I never want to go through all this again. The first thing would be not to play this game with my bf I guess, didn't turn out too well last time.
I can't get over the fact that my guild would do something like this, not even to me. And I feel like just stating clearly I really don't need an explanation in any way, as this won't help anyway.

Spamminesses

2010-02-28T20:20:00.003+01:00

Why do I always click create blog instead of log in? Maybe because I want to write a new blogpost! Damned blogger should honestly change them names...
But now for the thing I wanted to write.

I went to Barcelona for 5 days and it was amazing. That city is so busy and noisy and crowded and... woa! I was amazed by how few accidents happen in traffic, although they've written something on the crossover sides that reads something close to 'Barcelona is one of the top 3 cities...' and then something about traffic accidents. As you might guess, my Spanish isn't very good, so I couldn't translate it. Just took a guess at the words that I did know. Come to it, this holiday was full of guesses and maybe's and if what's. So we took a left turn, and a right after and that way managed to find a way to a street we knew. It might be worth noting that I went to Barcelona with my mum. And that I can't stand sitting in a plane and not being able to look outside while lowering. Eeep. That was hell. Overall I find flying a rather boring though effective way to get somewhere. The annoying part is that it's getting less and less effective due to all the security enhancements lately. It takes hours to check in and wait for the plane, not to mention the ridiculous things you have to do to be able to get into the airport to start with. I wonder how long it will take before they make you strip down all the way to be allowed through the metal detector.. As of now, you have to take off your belt, so you're already walking there with your pants down at your ankles, they make you take your shoes off, but being nice isn't part of the job apparently. Bastards. I admit I wanted to smash the guy's face in. I didn't ofcourse, but stuff like that seriously makes me so damn aggressive! Took me 20 mins to calm back down again. Pfft. Stupid people.

But Barcelona was awesome :P to get back to the point. Or, well.. the reason I started writing first of all is my boyfriend. But I rather lost subject, which started at the point where I tried to start a post. And now I'm gonna end this post without writing what I wanted to.

Love Hurts.

2010-02-10T21:42:00.002+01:00

Why does being in love hurt so much? I'm so insanely crazy about this guy and I can't help it but I keep thinking "how long will this last?" Will it hurt as much again as it did last time I lost something like this? I'm so damn scared. Just the idea I might lose him kills me. I have the feeling I have to be perfect for him, because he just deserves that so much. I just don't believe this will last, 'cause I thought it would last time. Which didn't. Then why on earth would this work out? How could it..? I'm still the same person, still the same fucked up person I was back then.
It makes me feel so vulnerable. I hate myself for getting into this. I was doing perfectly fine on my own, wasn't I? Feeling independent and secure about myself and my future and stuff. Now I feel like I'm breaking in bits.
I want to hope for things to work, I really want to. But I dare not. The last 2 years I've been living a lie. I believed things would work out, and all I thought of was "we can work when we live together." I won't make that mistake again, I'm sure of that.
But there's the urging feeling that tells me I want to be with him, just having him around is fine, feels comforting. And exact those feelings I swore not to give into again.
I don't know what to feel, what to do. I'm really starting to care about him, and it scares me shitless. It scares me because it makes it so much more easy to hurt him. And because I care so much, it can also hurt me easily. I have hurt enough for a while, but it won't leave me alone. I'm being hunted by pictures of two guys, mixing up at random and making me want to run into a wall (which I don't, for your information.) Why is that name still linked to that emotion? Whenever I want to call one person, I have to think so hard before doing so, otherwise I'd call out the wrong name. Which would kill him by the way.
I just want these wounds to heal properly, so I can move on properly. But somehow they won't heal as fast as they seemed to when there was no loving someone involved.
I could go on blabbing for hours. But I have to get up at 5:45 in the morning, so I'm gonna make myself go to bed instead. And hope I can stop thinking for a while.

Spammy thoughts

2010-01-11T12:47:00.004+01:00

Ok so I went on this date on Saturday and apparently came from that with a boyfriend. I didn't plan any of this and I'm not even sure I want things to go this way. But I don't think I can change anything about it. Or even want to... What?!
Ok so here's a thing: I. Don't. Make. Sense. At all, really. I even don't make sense when I think about it.. Eep!
I do have to admit I'm kinda crazy about this guy. Which then again confuses me, as I didn't want to get into this kinda situation any time soon. But then again, I don't really mind it as I really like him. Urgh.
Before I started writing I really wanted to write down something ... But I forgot. How useless is that? '-_-

Oh I remember!
It's about the guy again.. big surprise.
When I met him I was like, he's nice. But nothing more than that. So I added him to MSN and Skype as a potential friend. Like "Hey, this guy is nice, we might become friends!" His intentions did seem to be different from mine though, one of the first things he said to me was "when do I see you again?" Which I think is kinda weird to ask someone you don't know at all. But as I liked him, I invited him over to watch a movie. And after that I kinda thought Oh he's kinda cute. Although I'm not sure how things went on from there but I saw him more often. Yay for Newyear, as I was piss drunk and wanted to make out with him, which I failed at horribly. Yay for drunkenness. But at that time I still only thought him cute, nothing with butterflies or anything. I was gonna see him again the weekend after Newyear. But time was being messy and I was annoyed, so I talked my parents into giving me permission to stay the night at his place. Somewhere during that evening/night it hit me like a bus, and I fell for him. As I think about it I'm not even sure how or when it happened. But there we are: I'm crazy about the guy.
And it seems we're in a relationship all of a sudden. Wtf?
Oh well. I'll just sit around being *happi*

Coffee?

2010-01-02T12:46:00.002+01:00

Do you know those days when you wake up from a morning full of the weirdest dreams, and your head is full of thoughts and you have no clue what to do with them? Well, today is such a day. I woke up in my new furnished room, which was confusing enough to start with, but I was also thinking about a dozen of people at the same time. And as thinking about people usually comes with feelings and memories, thinking about 6 at the same time is rather messy. Which reminds me, I am rather messy. So thinking about it, all is fine really.
When I started writing, this was supposed to unfuzzle my mind, but that somehow happened before I even got to really start writing, which is confusing....

Coffee....?

Choices

2009-12-05T19:31:00.003+01:00

We make decisions all the time, about all kinds of things. Big things, small things. Significant things, insignificant things. But all choices nevertheless. These things somehow will affect our lives, even if they're tiny changes. Even if we won't really notice it. But if we pay attention to whatever decisions we make, we might change what we are and how we act. Since I chose to be here now, something will change. The fact that my brother walked into my room and made sounds, was his choice, but will change my present. And probably my actions in the next five minutes. While this was such a small event in a lifetime, it will cause things to happen, or not to happen. Whatever that is, I won't know, especially not if I don't pay attention to what it happening.
Most people walk around with their heads low, staring at the ground. This is a choice they make, probably not even thinking about it. We always hurry along, never stop to take a look around. I love cycling. For the small reason that I can pay attention to the world around me. Being not cars or other traffic related things, but the beauty of the world we live in. I love it how it feels like I'm lost in time when I see a bird struggle in the wind, moving his body, working to stay alive. The moment takes a maximum of a few seconds, but it's worth so much. I can truly enjoy being alone sometimes. Since these special moments, are my own. No one else will see that tree the way I see it, enjoy the walk as much as I can. People can be very annoying on moments like those.
I usually don't chose moments like that. They just happen somehow. But I do pay attention and notice the specialness of them. I wish for people to experience the same feeling, have those moment of their own. I feel that if we would treasure more of the world around us, people would be less stressed and less worried.
Therefore I hate the fact right now is the 5th of December and my parents are calling me to start our Saint Nick's eve. Although I know it will be nice, it will be a change. I won't be able to write down things that seem important, significant.
But I'm sure we'll have a good time nevertheless.

2009-11-25T23:15:00.002+01:00

I suppose this ain't gonna be a happy one. But I just need to get my thoughts on somewhere. It feels like it doesn't matter how hard I try to make a friend, or even just get close to someone. There's always people who will be more important to them, will be better friends. I'm not even sure there is someone out there who has the same needs that I have.

I'm so done with lies and half truths! I wish I could just open up to someone without the consequences of them being scared away. And I really wish for a friend who would adore me the same way. But at this moment that just seems impossible.

There is two people talking to me right now, trying to ... well, I dunno what they're trying really. But it's somehow helping. *sigh* I feel so stupid and worthless.

BrainJuicer?

2009-02-03T10:30:00.003+01:00

Okay, so I do these questionnaires online. Usually because I don't mind doing them, and helping people with their research is a good thing.
A while ago I signed up to this website from GlobalTestMarket. I only did one questionnaire, until today. I got this email so clicked the link to start the list. Works fine, thing is called BrainJuicer.. Wtf? Ok. Starting the questions, I get a hell lot of text to read with explanations about the way they work. Ok, might be useful. Done reading, list starts. Then this whole story about me wanting to buy shares in this company and having to choose out of their advertising campaign. Well, okay. Then a bunch of (to me the exact same) posters pop up, and they want me to say "yes I want to buy this" or "Hell no piss off" (well not exactly that of course, but that's practically what it means.) So I start sorting that out. Oh, it's all about soya products, or that's what I thought. It's about soya milk. And one thing I think is really disgusting, is soya milk. The whole campaign thingy is the same, it's like omg we're so awesome! we're good for the environment! we like de farmers! omgomg! Buy us! And that in about 20 different phrases with different arguments and different pictures of plants, people, the globe.. that kind of stuff.
So I'm done telling them what I would probably buy and probably sale. Then they want me to pick one of them that I dislike the most. Which is kind of a hard decision because they all look the exact same to me. So I pick the one with the silliest name. After that, they've got a whole shit-load of questions for me about what PEOPLE would think of that advertisement I just picked. They don't wanna know what I think of it... Nooo, they want to know what I think that PEOPLE would think. Wth? What kind of people? I dunno, just people.
Up to that point I was taking the questions seriously, but it gets even better. After I picked a face with the question "what do you think people would feel about this picture?" literally like that. So I picked neutral, because I don't really know 'people' that well. After that they want to know why I think that people would feel that way.. Erm what..? And it keeps going on like that over 10 questions. Then, when I think I'm done with the questions, the machine fails and tell me to start over. FUCK YOU. Honestly... They manage to make a list of the stupidest and most annoying questions for PEOPLE, and than they also manage to make it all fail!

So.. Blog?

2009-01-27T16:35:00.003+01:00

Some time ago I decided I wanted a blog. So I made this one. But then the lay-out didn't work with me so I quit trying. I made another blog somewhere else, but I forgot what or where. I do remember that the lay-out was even worse to alter than blogger's. I still have got a livejournal page. Wait, I've got TWO livejournals. Let us see, what kind of journals, blogs, and whatsoever's DO I have?

- http://danifilth.web-log.nl/
One I even forgot I had.. Well that is my first web log ever. Kinda pathetic.
- http://justmegje.web-log.nl/
Came after that. Same thing, just about me now.
- http://rainbow-music.livejournal.com/
First LJ after that. Might've been something in between, but I can't really remember.
- http://shooting-a-star.livejournal.com/
One I used as a journal. That no one but one person could read.
- http://maggie-mae.hyves.nl/
Then my hyves page that's got a blog.

Coming to think of it, I had some other pages too. Just can't really remember. And these are just the blogs/journals. I did start some thing of a journal at groups.msn.com but I can't remember the name. Anyway, that was fun, for a while. I had a journal and I didn't have to write in it! I could just type and alter the lay-out of each page the way I felt that day. I stopped using that after I let someone read and entry and got into a fight. Oh, and I have twitter, which I really like. But it's just too short when I really want to say something. So I need a blog.

Hey, I may even start using this one!

Grmpf

2008-12-19T17:11:00.000+01:00

Oh well. This might do. For now.

DANG

2008-12-19T13:42:00.002+01:00

OK WELL FUCK BLOGGER!
STUPID FOCKING WEBSITE DONT EVEN LET ME ADAPT MY COLORS THE FUCKING WAY I WANT THEM AND I CANT FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT WORK.

FUCK YOU BLOGGER!

New

2008-12-19T12:54:00.002+01:00

So hello..
My new blog.
I'm thinking of this place as a place where I can just spam my thoughts out and no one should care.
I'm not quite happy with the looks of this thing yet, but that can wait.