Rubbish.

"Die zou ik doen" is een zin die ik niet uit mijn hoofd kan krijgen. De betekenis van deze zin is veranderd in de afgelopen maand. Zoals er een hoop dingen zijn veranderd de afgelopen maanden. Veel positieve dingen zou ik zeggen. Maar ook maak ik me veel meer zorgen dan ervoor. Over de meest alledaagse dingen. Kleine dingen. Bepaalde zinnen. Het maakt eigenlijk niet uit. Het gevoel dat ik erbij krijg is niet positief. Het maakt me gek en paranoïde. Ik zou willen dat ik dit alles zou kunnen negeren en gewoon blij zou kunnen zijn met de positieve dingen. Ik krijg de rillingen bij bepaalde uitspraken, gedachten en het lezen van sommige namen. Ik word zenuwachtig bij het zien van een willekeurige foto en de blik in zijn ogen. Waarom is het zo moeilijk om gewoon te accepteren wat ik niet kan veranderen. Me erbij neerleggen dat sommige dingen niet anders zijn, ook al kan ik niet begrijpen waarom ze zo zijn. Waarom krijg ik zin om iets te slaan, iemand pijn te doen, bij het horen van een bepaalde naam? En waarom is het zo ongelofelijk makkelijk om mezelf pijn te doen, omdat ik anderen geen pijn wil doen. Omdat ik nog steeds het idee heb dat alles wat er gebeurt dat mij pijn doet mijn eigen schuld moet zijn. Naar mijn idee had ik altijd iemand om tegen te praten over dingen die me dwarszaten. Iemand die naar mij luisterde en dan stomme opmerkingen maakte over datgene ik vertelde, maar er wel altijd voor me was. Een vriend. Waar is deze persoon gebleven? En is dit dan ook mijn eigen schuld? Ik beschuldig er anderen van dat zij vriendschappen niet onderhouden, maar ben ik zelf niet net zo slecht bezig? Doe ik ooit wel eens iets anders dan mopperen over wat anderen allemaal fout doen, terwijl ik eigenlijk mezelf gewoon de schuld geef. "Waarom" is een woord dat ik veel te vaak gebruik. Maar vragen waarom is zo makkelijk. En ik mopper teveel. Misschien is het veiliger om boos te reageren op dingen dan ermee om proberen te gaan. Of erover na te denken. Ik wil zoveel maar ik doe zo weinig. En is dat niet altijd zo geweest? Ik heb altijd veel gewild, maar voor mijn gevoel ben ik geen stap verder dan jaren geleden. Ik ben nogsteeds onzeker. Nogsteeds dik, klein en vervelend. Ik zeg wel dat ik vrienden heb, maar hoevaak zie ik ze ook daadwerkelijk? Ik kan wel excuses verzinnen waarom ik bepaalde mensen niet meer zie, of niet vaak meer spreek. Maar uiteindelijk ligt de schuld bij mij zelf. Ik bel niet meer of ik langs kan komen, of om gewoon te kletsen. Wat is de stabiele factor in mijn leven? Zouden anderen hier ook last van hebben? Stel ik me aan? Dit heeft ook allemaal geen zin. Ik ga naar bed.

Ik ben zo'n godsgruwelijke hypocriet en ik weet geneens waarom.

I really am one crazy ass jealous bitch. I seriously take a look at one picture I don't like and I'm flaming up like crazy and just wanna hit the poor girl in the face. Why is it that I can't stand this? I think it's just fear to be left, to be alone again. And how I would hate to be alone again.
I can't even describe the anger that's taking control of me, but I'm mostly angry with myself. For being this jealous and possessive about him kills me.

Blah. Time for bed.

World of Warcraft

I have been playing World of Warcraft for a total of 4 years, which is a rather long period of time. A few days ago I realized I hardly played anymore, and thought it not worth the money anymore. This is the second time I canceled my subscription. And it wasn't any easier. Getting kicked from my guild doesn't help either. I know I was a worthless officer anyway, but I feel kinda backstabbed. There have been lots of others taking a break from the game during my time, but I haven't seem 'em getting kicked for it. No one even bothered asking me if I wanted to resign as an officer, nor notified me I would be demoted in any way. I don't think I'll be getting back to this server when I start playing again. Even though I have met a lot of really awesome people and even found some friends here, who I really hate leaving behind in any way. I just think that my time on this server, in this particular guild has broken more than given me. Even just thinking about some of the shit I've gone through makes me so sad and I never want to go through all this again. The first thing would be not to play this game with my bf I guess, didn't turn out too well last time.
I can't get over the fact that my guild would do something like this, not even to me. And I feel like just stating clearly I really don't need an explanation in any way, as this won't help anyway.

Spamminesses

Why do I always click create blog instead of log in? Maybe because I want to write a new blogpost! Damned blogger should honestly change them names...
But now for the thing I wanted to write.

I went to Barcelona for 5 days and it was amazing. That city is so busy and noisy and crowded and... woa! I was amazed by how few accidents happen in traffic, although they've written something on the crossover sides that reads something close to 'Barcelona is one of the top 3 cities...' and then something about traffic accidents. As you might guess, my Spanish isn't very good, so I couldn't translate it. Just took a guess at the words that I did know. Come to it, this holiday was full of guesses and maybe's and if what's. So we took a left turn, and a right after and that way managed to find a way to a street we knew. It might be worth noting that I went to Barcelona with my mum. And that I can't stand sitting in a plane and not being able to look outside while lowering. Eeep. That was hell. Overall I find flying a rather boring though effective way to get somewhere. The annoying part is that it's getting less and less effective due to all the security enhancements lately. It takes hours to check in and wait for the plane, not to mention the ridiculous things you have to do to be able to get into the airport to start with. I wonder how long it will take before they make you strip down all the way to be allowed through the metal detector.. As of now, you have to take off your belt, so you're already walking there with your pants down at your ankles, they make you take your shoes off, but being nice isn't part of the job apparently. Bastards. I admit I wanted to smash the guy's face in. I didn't ofcourse, but stuff like that seriously makes me so damn aggressive! Took me 20 mins to calm back down again. Pfft. Stupid people.

But Barcelona was awesome :P to get back to the point. Or, well.. the reason I started writing first of all is my boyfriend. But I rather lost subject, which started at the point where I tried to start a post. And now I'm gonna end this post without writing what I wanted to.

Love Hurts.

Why does being in love hurt so much? I'm so insanely crazy about this guy and I can't help it but I keep thinking "how long will this last?" Will it hurt as much again as it did last time I lost something like this? I'm so damn scared. Just the idea I might lose him kills me. I have the feeling I have to be perfect for him, because he just deserves that so much. I just don't believe this will last, 'cause I thought it would last time. Which didn't. Then why on earth would this work out? How could it..? I'm still the same person, still the same fucked up person I was back then.
It makes me feel so vulnerable. I hate myself for getting into this. I was doing perfectly fine on my own, wasn't I? Feeling independent and secure about myself and my future and stuff. Now I feel like I'm breaking in bits.
I want to hope for things to work, I really want to. But I dare not. The last 2 years I've been living a lie. I believed things would work out, and all I thought of was "we can work when we live together." I won't make that mistake again, I'm sure of that.
But there's the urging feeling that tells me I want to be with him, just having him around is fine, feels comforting. And exact those feelings I swore not to give into again.
I don't know what to feel, what to do. I'm really starting to care about him, and it scares me shitless. It scares me because it makes it so much more easy to hurt him. And because I care so much, it can also hurt me easily. I have hurt enough for a while, but it won't leave me alone. I'm being hunted by pictures of two guys, mixing up at random and making me want to run into a wall (which I don't, for your information.) Why is that name still linked to that emotion? Whenever I want to call one person, I have to think so hard before doing so, otherwise I'd call out the wrong name. Which would kill him by the way.
I just want these wounds to heal properly, so I can move on properly. But somehow they won't heal as fast as they seemed to when there was no loving someone involved.
I could go on blabbing for hours. But I have to get up at 5:45 in the morning, so I'm gonna make myself go to bed instead. And hope I can stop thinking for a while.

Spammy thoughts

Ok so I went on this date on Saturday and apparently came from that with a boyfriend. I didn't plan any of this and I'm not even sure I want things to go this way. But I don't think I can change anything about it. Or even want to... What?!
Ok so here's a thing: I. Don't. Make. Sense. At all, really. I even don't make sense when I think about it.. Eep!
I do have to admit I'm kinda crazy about this guy. Which then again confuses me, as I didn't want to get into this kinda situation any time soon. But then again, I don't really mind it as I really like him. Urgh.
Before I started writing I really wanted to write down something ... But I forgot. How useless is that? '-_-

Oh I remember!
It's about the guy again.. big surprise.
When I met him I was like, he's nice. But nothing more than that. So I added him to MSN and Skype as a potential friend. Like "Hey, this guy is nice, we might become friends!" His intentions did seem to be different from mine though, one of the first things he said to me was "when do I see you again?" Which I think is kinda weird to ask someone you don't know at all. But as I liked him, I invited him over to watch a movie. And after that I kinda thought Oh he's kinda cute. Although I'm not sure how things went on from there but I saw him more often. Yay for Newyear, as I was piss drunk and wanted to make out with him, which I failed at horribly. Yay for drunkenness. But at that time I still only thought him cute, nothing with butterflies or anything. I was gonna see him again the weekend after Newyear. But time was being messy and I was annoyed, so I talked my parents into giving me permission to stay the night at his place. Somewhere during that evening/night it hit me like a bus, and I fell for him. As I think about it I'm not even sure how or when it happened. But there we are: I'm crazy about the guy.
And it seems we're in a relationship all of a sudden. Wtf?
Oh well. I'll just sit around being *happi*

Coffee?

Do you know those days when you wake up from a morning full of the weirdest dreams, and your head is full of thoughts and you have no clue what to do with them? Well, today is such a day. I woke up in my new furnished room, which was confusing enough to start with, but I was also thinking about a dozen of people at the same time. And as thinking about people usually comes with feelings and memories, thinking about 6 at the same time is rather messy. Which reminds me, I am rather messy. So thinking about it, all is fine really.
When I started writing, this was supposed to unfuzzle my mind, but that somehow happened before I even got to really start writing, which is confusing....

Coffee....?