Why do I always click create blog instead of log in? Maybe because I want to write a new blogpost! Damned blogger should honestly change them names...
But now for the thing I wanted to write.
I went to Barcelona for 5 days and it was amazing. That city is so busy and noisy and crowded and... woa! I was amazed by how few accidents happen in traffic, although they've written something on the crossover sides that reads something close to 'Barcelona is one of the top 3 cities...' and then something about traffic accidents. As you might guess, my Spanish isn't very good, so I couldn't translate it. Just took a guess at the words that I did know. Come to it, this holiday was full of guesses and maybe's and if what's. So we took a left turn, and a right after and that way managed to find a way to a street we knew. It might be worth noting that I went to Barcelona with my mum. And that I can't stand sitting in a plane and not being able to look outside while lowering. Eeep. That was hell. Overall I find flying a rather boring though effective way to get somewhere. The annoying part is that it's getting less and less effective due to all the security enhancements lately. It takes hours to check in and wait for the plane, not to mention the ridiculous things you have to do to be able to get into the airport to start with. I wonder how long it will take before they make you strip down all the way to be allowed through the metal detector.. As of now, you have to take off your belt, so you're already walking there with your pants down at your ankles, they make you take your shoes off, but being nice isn't part of the job apparently. Bastards. I admit I wanted to smash the guy's face in. I didn't ofcourse, but stuff like that seriously makes me so damn aggressive! Took me 20 mins to calm back down again. Pfft. Stupid people.
But Barcelona was awesome :P to get back to the point. Or, well.. the reason I started writing first of all is my boyfriend. But I rather lost subject, which started at the point where I tried to start a post. And now I'm gonna end this post without writing what I wanted to.
zondag 28 februari 2010
woensdag 10 februari 2010
Love Hurts.
Why does being in love hurt so much? I'm so insanely crazy about this guy and I can't help it but I keep thinking "how long will this last?" Will it hurt as much again as it did last time I lost something like this? I'm so damn scared. Just the idea I might lose him kills me. I have the feeling I have to be perfect for him, because he just deserves that so much. I just don't believe this will last, 'cause I thought it would last time. Which didn't. Then why on earth would this work out? How could it..? I'm still the same person, still the same fucked up person I was back then.
It makes me feel so vulnerable. I hate myself for getting into this. I was doing perfectly fine on my own, wasn't I? Feeling independent and secure about myself and my future and stuff. Now I feel like I'm breaking in bits.
I want to hope for things to work, I really want to. But I dare not. The last 2 years I've been living a lie. I believed things would work out, and all I thought of was "we can work when we live together." I won't make that mistake again, I'm sure of that.
But there's the urging feeling that tells me I want to be with him, just having him around is fine, feels comforting. And exact those feelings I swore not to give into again.
I don't know what to feel, what to do. I'm really starting to care about him, and it scares me shitless. It scares me because it makes it so much more easy to hurt him. And because I care so much, it can also hurt me easily. I have hurt enough for a while, but it won't leave me alone. I'm being hunted by pictures of two guys, mixing up at random and making me want to run into a wall (which I don't, for your information.) Why is that name still linked to that emotion? Whenever I want to call one person, I have to think so hard before doing so, otherwise I'd call out the wrong name. Which would kill him by the way.
I just want these wounds to heal properly, so I can move on properly. But somehow they won't heal as fast as they seemed to when there was no loving someone involved.
I could go on blabbing for hours. But I have to get up at 5:45 in the morning, so I'm gonna make myself go to bed instead. And hope I can stop thinking for a while.
It makes me feel so vulnerable. I hate myself for getting into this. I was doing perfectly fine on my own, wasn't I? Feeling independent and secure about myself and my future and stuff. Now I feel like I'm breaking in bits.
I want to hope for things to work, I really want to. But I dare not. The last 2 years I've been living a lie. I believed things would work out, and all I thought of was "we can work when we live together." I won't make that mistake again, I'm sure of that.
But there's the urging feeling that tells me I want to be with him, just having him around is fine, feels comforting. And exact those feelings I swore not to give into again.
I don't know what to feel, what to do. I'm really starting to care about him, and it scares me shitless. It scares me because it makes it so much more easy to hurt him. And because I care so much, it can also hurt me easily. I have hurt enough for a while, but it won't leave me alone. I'm being hunted by pictures of two guys, mixing up at random and making me want to run into a wall (which I don't, for your information.) Why is that name still linked to that emotion? Whenever I want to call one person, I have to think so hard before doing so, otherwise I'd call out the wrong name. Which would kill him by the way.
I just want these wounds to heal properly, so I can move on properly. But somehow they won't heal as fast as they seemed to when there was no loving someone involved.
I could go on blabbing for hours. But I have to get up at 5:45 in the morning, so I'm gonna make myself go to bed instead. And hope I can stop thinking for a while.
Abonneren op:
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