Oh bummer

You know what annoys me? I made this blog so I could spam my thoughts and not having to care about who reads it for a change. This couldn't be more untrue. I know some of the people who read this, and it does change the way I look at this page, the way I write things down, and mostly what I write down.
When I feel shitty about stuff I can't talk about to someone, I have to write it down or I'll keep it with me and explode after a while. I have been pondering starting a new blog, with a new email address, but Gmail wouldn't let me make the account I wanted. By the time I got fed up trying, my frustrations had gone. Is that the way I have to be dealing with my shit? Struggling with Google for about 30 minutes a day?
Hell, that's not what I want! But neither do I want to start a new blog, for what's the use to write stuff when no one reads it?!
And I wish my best friend would stop making me feel worse instead of better! Damn him!
I'm too tired to think, let alone write, and it's getting worse.
The thing that is bothering me, I won't write down. Because my boyfriend will start a fuss again, as he always does.
In reaction to that, I will do something he will hate me for and feel sorry about that after for a while. Which will make me feel bad, I will want to write stuff down (hopefully in a more awake state so it will make some sense), and he will read it and it starts over again!
During all this, I'm trying to buy a new bed, sell the old one and try to sell my mopet. Also, I nearly have my first job as a nurse, am still a shopaholic and am turning 21 this year.
So there is some good stuff happening right now. I just hope someone buys the fucking mopet...
Man, how I want to sleep right now....

Happy thoughts

So I'm reading my own blog out of boredness, and what do I see? I only seem to write stuff down when I'm feeling shitty. So today, I am feeling great, I will write something happy!
Not too sure what yet, but to start with my song, Boys on the Docks by the Dropkick Murphys. Just nice. Not too sure what they sing since he's shout-mumbling half the time, but it makes me happy ^^

So I have the day off today, happy! Have been working at my internship for the past 4 days and had quite had it with them people! However am looking forward to working again tomorrow, so no worries!

Hey, the Adams Family? Lol, completely forgot I had the tune in my playlist!
So I will be done with school at the end of June. Will have my degree then! So will have to start looking for a job maybe? Though I have work till September, could use some more in August.

Next week, the 5th if I calculated alright, I'll be 1,5 yrs together with my boyfriend and a colleague is gonna bake a cake! How awesome is that? Even better, the 6th we'll be going on a short vacation! (me and the BF, not the colleague...)
5 days just us in a cottage, yay =)

So yeah, I don't really think I could be a lot happier at the moment. We-eel, I can probably think of a thousand things that would make me a lot happier, but I won't. Hah!

Good day to you!

Pondering

There is so much going on at the moment. I'm nearly done with school, soon it's graduation time. This scares me more than anything, because I have nothing to live on to, nothing planned for when I'm done. It's just a big blank, filled in with "I'll see where it goes from here..." You have no idea how scary that is.

Then there's this other something, the something I can't talk about to anyone. Something I can't even write down here, in case someone reads it. Not why I started this blog. Why I started it, was to be able to spam my thoughts and not bother with anyone reading them. Now I can't. I can't not bother. Ever.

These days, I'm always watching my mouth, be careful who to talk to about what. Not being able being me at the full. Not in company. And when I'm alone, I break down. I don't know for how long I can keep up the show. How much longer can I pretend? Pretend all is fine? When it's not... When I'm feeling things I don't want to feel, things I can't live up to. Feelings I have to ignore somehow. That I can't.

Searching for acceptance, aren't we all? I know I am. Looking for a someone who accepts me whoever I am, with all my imperfections and insecurities. Have I found this person? Not so far. Will I ever? I come to doubt it. Must I continue this struggle? Keep hoping for things to get better? To be the 'perfect' I long for so hardly? I am coming to realize that this something I want does not exist. So should I continue alone? Again...

I know I'm not the best in taking decisions , especially ones like this. What to do? Continue this struggle? My own fight for freedom? Should I be fighting for freedom? All this shit is causing concentration problems, I can't focus on my schoolwork. Have a lot to do still. Today for example, haven't done anything useful. Have a deadline by 3. Small chance I'll make it. Instead I'm writing here. Got to tell someone about my doubts, no clue who I'm telling now, but it has to get out. One way or another. Better to write it down than spilling it to the one person I can't seem to talk to. Being the one person I should be able to talk to. About anything and everything. The one person that seems to understand me least. You have no idea how much it hurts to come closer and closer to realizing I can't go on like this. But not being able to explain why. Nor even being sure I want to do this. Although I've been getting closer and closer to telling. I just don't know how, can't even explain my feelings to myself.

How to tell someone you love them to bits, but don't believe it's going to last more than a year from now? How to explain why, when you can't even tell yourself what's causing the doubt?

I wish there was someone to tell me what to do, who to talk to, where to go... All I can do is cry lately. About anything and everything. Cry about every aspect of my life. And can't seem to do anything about it at the moment.

On a Daft Punk marathon. Trying to think. Not working. I need to fix this, but I've been failing since it started. I do love this Peaches remix of Technologic though..
My head is killing me. I keep thinking I'm the one causing all this shit, but how can I? But it's not important how it's started, I have to figure out how to fix it. Can I just get inside your head for a day? Just to figure it out? I think that would help.
Did I break you? Do I have to fix you? And what if I can't? Does that mean the end of us? Is it so much to ask to just be happy..? 'Cause that's all I want really. Just have my happy ending. Isn't that what we all want? Deep inside? Just not to die alone.
I honestly have no idea what my problem is, I just know I don't like the way I'm feeling right now. Wish I could turn my volume up a bit, could use my brains being blown out by my music... I can't because my parents are asleep. Well, damn!