Love Hurts.

Why does being in love hurt so much? I'm so insanely crazy about this guy and I can't help it but I keep thinking "how long will this last?" Will it hurt as much again as it did last time I lost something like this? I'm so damn scared. Just the idea I might lose him kills me. I have the feeling I have to be perfect for him, because he just deserves that so much. I just don't believe this will last, 'cause I thought it would last time. Which didn't. Then why on earth would this work out? How could it..? I'm still the same person, still the same fucked up person I was back then.
It makes me feel so vulnerable. I hate myself for getting into this. I was doing perfectly fine on my own, wasn't I? Feeling independent and secure about myself and my future and stuff. Now I feel like I'm breaking in bits.
I want to hope for things to work, I really want to. But I dare not. The last 2 years I've been living a lie. I believed things would work out, and all I thought of was "we can work when we live together." I won't make that mistake again, I'm sure of that.
But there's the urging feeling that tells me I want to be with him, just having him around is fine, feels comforting. And exact those feelings I swore not to give into again.
I don't know what to feel, what to do. I'm really starting to care about him, and it scares me shitless. It scares me because it makes it so much more easy to hurt him. And because I care so much, it can also hurt me easily. I have hurt enough for a while, but it won't leave me alone. I'm being hunted by pictures of two guys, mixing up at random and making me want to run into a wall (which I don't, for your information.) Why is that name still linked to that emotion? Whenever I want to call one person, I have to think so hard before doing so, otherwise I'd call out the wrong name. Which would kill him by the way.
I just want these wounds to heal properly, so I can move on properly. But somehow they won't heal as fast as they seemed to when there was no loving someone involved.
I could go on blabbing for hours. But I have to get up at 5:45 in the morning, so I'm gonna make myself go to bed instead. And hope I can stop thinking for a while.

Spammy thoughts

Ok so I went on this date on Saturday and apparently came from that with a boyfriend. I didn't plan any of this and I'm not even sure I want things to go this way. But I don't think I can change anything about it. Or even want to... What?!
Ok so here's a thing: I. Don't. Make. Sense. At all, really. I even don't make sense when I think about it.. Eep!
I do have to admit I'm kinda crazy about this guy. Which then again confuses me, as I didn't want to get into this kinda situation any time soon. But then again, I don't really mind it as I really like him. Urgh.
Before I started writing I really wanted to write down something ... But I forgot. How useless is that? '-_-

Oh I remember!
It's about the guy again.. big surprise.
When I met him I was like, he's nice. But nothing more than that. So I added him to MSN and Skype as a potential friend. Like "Hey, this guy is nice, we might become friends!" His intentions did seem to be different from mine though, one of the first things he said to me was "when do I see you again?" Which I think is kinda weird to ask someone you don't know at all. But as I liked him, I invited him over to watch a movie. And after that I kinda thought Oh he's kinda cute. Although I'm not sure how things went on from there but I saw him more often. Yay for Newyear, as I was piss drunk and wanted to make out with him, which I failed at horribly. Yay for drunkenness. But at that time I still only thought him cute, nothing with butterflies or anything. I was gonna see him again the weekend after Newyear. But time was being messy and I was annoyed, so I talked my parents into giving me permission to stay the night at his place. Somewhere during that evening/night it hit me like a bus, and I fell for him. As I think about it I'm not even sure how or when it happened. But there we are: I'm crazy about the guy.
And it seems we're in a relationship all of a sudden. Wtf?
Oh well. I'll just sit around being *happi*

Coffee?

Do you know those days when you wake up from a morning full of the weirdest dreams, and your head is full of thoughts and you have no clue what to do with them? Well, today is such a day. I woke up in my new furnished room, which was confusing enough to start with, but I was also thinking about a dozen of people at the same time. And as thinking about people usually comes with feelings and memories, thinking about 6 at the same time is rather messy. Which reminds me, I am rather messy. So thinking about it, all is fine really.
When I started writing, this was supposed to unfuzzle my mind, but that somehow happened before I even got to really start writing, which is confusing....

Coffee....?

Choices

We make decisions all the time, about all kinds of things. Big things, small things. Significant things, insignificant things. But all choices nevertheless. These things somehow will affect our lives, even if they're tiny changes. Even if we won't really notice it. But if we pay attention to whatever decisions we make, we might change what we are and how we act. Since I chose to be here now, something will change. The fact that my brother walked into my room and made sounds, was his choice, but will change my present. And probably my actions in the next five minutes. While this was such a small event in a lifetime, it will cause things to happen, or not to happen. Whatever that is, I won't know, especially not if I don't pay attention to what it happening.
Most people walk around with their heads low, staring at the ground. This is a choice they make, probably not even thinking about it. We always hurry along, never stop to take a look around. I love cycling. For the small reason that I can pay attention to the world around me. Being not cars or other traffic related things, but the beauty of the world we live in. I love it how it feels like I'm lost in time when I see a bird struggle in the wind, moving his body, working to stay alive. The moment takes a maximum of a few seconds, but it's worth so much. I can truly enjoy being alone sometimes. Since these special moments, are my own. No one else will see that tree the way I see it, enjoy the walk as much as I can. People can be very annoying on moments like those.
I usually don't chose moments like that. They just happen somehow. But I do pay attention and notice the specialness of them. I wish for people to experience the same feeling, have those moment of their own. I feel that if we would treasure more of the world around us, people would be less stressed and less worried.
Therefore I hate the fact right now is the 5th of December and my parents are calling me to start our Saint Nick's eve. Although I know it will be nice, it will be a change. I won't be able to write down things that seem important, significant.
But I'm sure we'll have a good time nevertheless.

I suppose this ain't gonna be a happy one. But I just need to get my thoughts on somewhere. It feels like it doesn't matter how hard I try to make a friend, or even just get close to someone. There's always people who will be more important to them, will be better friends. I'm not even sure there is someone out there who has the same needs that I have.

I'm so done with lies and half truths! I wish I could just open up to someone without the consequences of them being scared away. And I really wish for a friend who would adore me the same way. But at this moment that just seems impossible.

There is two people talking to me right now, trying to ... well, I dunno what they're trying really. But it's somehow helping. *sigh* I feel so stupid and worthless.

BrainJuicer?

Okay, so I do these questionnaires online. Usually because I don't mind doing them, and helping people with their research is a good thing.
A while ago I signed up to this website from GlobalTestMarket. I only did one questionnaire, until today. I got this email so clicked the link to start the list. Works fine, thing is called BrainJuicer.. Wtf? Ok. Starting the questions, I get a hell lot of text to read with explanations about the way they work. Ok, might be useful. Done reading, list starts. Then this whole story about me wanting to buy shares in this company and having to choose out of their advertising campaign. Well, okay. Then a bunch of (to me the exact same) posters pop up, and they want me to say "yes I want to buy this" or "Hell no piss off" (well not exactly that of course, but that's practically what it means.) So I start sorting that out. Oh, it's all about soya products, or that's what I thought. It's about soya milk. And one thing I think is really disgusting, is soya milk. The whole campaign thingy is the same, it's like omg we're so awesome! we're good for the environment! we like de farmers! omgomg! Buy us! And that in about 20 different phrases with different arguments and different pictures of plants, people, the globe.. that kind of stuff.
So I'm done telling them what I would probably buy and probably sale. Then they want me to pick one of them that I dislike the most. Which is kind of a hard decision because they all look the exact same to me. So I pick the one with the silliest name. After that, they've got a whole shit-load of questions for me about what PEOPLE would think of that advertisement I just picked. They don't wanna know what I think of it... Nooo, they want to know what I think that PEOPLE would think. Wth? What kind of people? I dunno, just people.
Up to that point I was taking the questions seriously, but it gets even better. After I picked a face with the question "what do you think people would feel about this picture?" literally like that. So I picked neutral, because I don't really know 'people' that well. After that they want to know why I think that people would feel that way.. Erm what..? And it keeps going on like that over 10 questions. Then, when I think I'm done with the questions, the machine fails and tell me to start over. FUCK YOU. Honestly... They manage to make a list of the stupidest and most annoying questions for PEOPLE, and than they also manage to make it all fail!

So.. Blog?

Some time ago I decided I wanted a blog. So I made this one. But then the lay-out didn't work with me so I quit trying. I made another blog somewhere else, but I forgot what or where. I do remember that the lay-out was even worse to alter than blogger's. I still have got a livejournal page. Wait, I've got TWO livejournals. Let us see, what kind of journals, blogs, and whatsoever's DO I have?

- http://danifilth.web-log.nl/
One I even forgot I had.. Well that is my first web log ever. Kinda pathetic.
- http://justmegje.web-log.nl/
Came after that. Same thing, just about me now.
- http://rainbow-music.livejournal.com/
First LJ after that. Might've been something in between, but I can't really remember.
- http://shooting-a-star.livejournal.com/
One I used as a journal. That no one but one person could read.
- http://maggie-mae.hyves.nl/
Then my hyves page that's got a blog.

Coming to think of it, I had some other pages too. Just can't really remember. And these are just the blogs/journals. I did start some thing of a journal at groups.msn.com but I can't remember the name. Anyway, that was fun, for a while. I had a journal and I didn't have to write in it! I could just type and alter the lay-out of each page the way I felt that day. I stopped using that after I let someone read and entry and got into a fight. Oh, and I have twitter, which I really like. But it's just too short when I really want to say something. So I need a blog.

Hey, I may even start using this one!