Why does being in love hurt so much? I'm so insanely crazy about this guy and I can't help it but I keep thinking "how long will this last?" Will it hurt as much again as it did last time I lost something like this? I'm so damn scared. Just the idea I might lose him kills me. I have the feeling I have to be perfect for him, because he just deserves that so much. I just don't believe this will last, 'cause I thought it would last time. Which didn't. Then why on earth would this work out? How could it..? I'm still the same person, still the same fucked up person I was back then.
It makes me feel so vulnerable. I hate myself for getting into this. I was doing perfectly fine on my own, wasn't I? Feeling independent and secure about myself and my future and stuff. Now I feel like I'm breaking in bits.
I want to hope for things to work, I really want to. But I dare not. The last 2 years I've been living a lie. I believed things would work out, and all I thought of was "we can work when we live together." I won't make that mistake again, I'm sure of that.
But there's the urging feeling that tells me I want to be with him, just having him around is fine, feels comforting. And exact those feelings I swore not to give into again.
I don't know what to feel, what to do. I'm really starting to care about him, and it scares me shitless. It scares me because it makes it so much more easy to hurt him. And because I care so much, it can also hurt me easily. I have hurt enough for a while, but it won't leave me alone. I'm being hunted by pictures of two guys, mixing up at random and making me want to run into a wall (which I don't, for your information.) Why is that name still linked to that emotion? Whenever I want to call one person, I have to think so hard before doing so, otherwise I'd call out the wrong name. Which would kill him by the way.
I just want these wounds to heal properly, so I can move on properly. But somehow they won't heal as fast as they seemed to when there was no loving someone involved.
I could go on blabbing for hours. But I have to get up at 5:45 in the morning, so I'm gonna make myself go to bed instead. And hope I can stop thinking for a while.
Abonneren op:
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Just remember it's not about the future or the past, since you're not in either place anyway. It's about the now. :)
BeantwoordenVerwijderenI know this one will work out for ya, I'm hoping at least. Why? Because ya deserve it that's why.
BeantwoordenVerwijderenWe all got our own issues and they all have their own solutions. No one is perfect or can be. I'm sure he loves you for who you really are and not for who you think you should be.
Oh, and you know you can poke me whenever right? I might be drowning in my own issues but I'm always prepared to lend a helping hand :)