Pondering

There is so much going on at the moment. I'm nearly done with school, soon it's graduation time. This scares me more than anything, because I have nothing to live on to, nothing planned for when I'm done. It's just a big blank, filled in with "I'll see where it goes from here..." You have no idea how scary that is.

Then there's this other something, the something I can't talk about to anyone. Something I can't even write down here, in case someone reads it. Not why I started this blog. Why I started it, was to be able to spam my thoughts and not bother with anyone reading them. Now I can't. I can't not bother. Ever.

These days, I'm always watching my mouth, be careful who to talk to about what. Not being able being me at the full. Not in company. And when I'm alone, I break down. I don't know for how long I can keep up the show. How much longer can I pretend? Pretend all is fine? When it's not... When I'm feeling things I don't want to feel, things I can't live up to. Feelings I have to ignore somehow. That I can't.

Searching for acceptance, aren't we all? I know I am. Looking for a someone who accepts me whoever I am, with all my imperfections and insecurities. Have I found this person? Not so far. Will I ever? I come to doubt it. Must I continue this struggle? Keep hoping for things to get better? To be the 'perfect' I long for so hardly? I am coming to realize that this something I want does not exist. So should I continue alone? Again...

I know I'm not the best in taking decisions , especially ones like this. What to do? Continue this struggle? My own fight for freedom? Should I be fighting for freedom? All this shit is causing concentration problems, I can't focus on my schoolwork. Have a lot to do still. Today for example, haven't done anything useful. Have a deadline by 3. Small chance I'll make it. Instead I'm writing here. Got to tell someone about my doubts, no clue who I'm telling now, but it has to get out. One way or another. Better to write it down than spilling it to the one person I can't seem to talk to. Being the one person I should be able to talk to. About anything and everything. The one person that seems to understand me least. You have no idea how much it hurts to come closer and closer to realizing I can't go on like this. But not being able to explain why. Nor even being sure I want to do this. Although I've been getting closer and closer to telling. I just don't know how, can't even explain my feelings to myself.

How to tell someone you love them to bits, but don't believe it's going to last more than a year from now? How to explain why, when you can't even tell yourself what's causing the doubt?

I wish there was someone to tell me what to do, who to talk to, where to go... All I can do is cry lately. About anything and everything. Cry about every aspect of my life. And can't seem to do anything about it at the moment.